WOW....I feel like the biggest jerk thats basically ever lived. I lied...so...much...and now I wont get my trust back. I wont lie ever again from this point on im making a pact with myself.

All I hear in my head over and over is "Kaity why...I mean what the fuck...how could you. Everythings messed up...you shouldof told the truth from the beginning...but no...you didnt." I dont beleive I did what I did. I lost the person Ive loved more than anything...and if any of you knew about me and Sean...yeah...I love him WAY more than that. And yes its possible. I am a self consious inconsiderit (sp mmhmkaythanksbye i know) selfish lying probing self centered typical teen of america white trash elitist fucking moron...and I wish I could of changed it. I love him...more than anything. And I promised I was something I wasnt...and...now when I promise it means nothing. I really cant stand myself. Im going to get over it soon enough..and well move on, and I get my second chance. But what if I slip up. What if I forget to clear something up. Im going through everything in my mind over and over and I dont know what else I could stop refraining from being considerate and clearing up my lies. And now I know...this is why I never used to lie. BECAUSE IT RUINS YOUR LIFE DAMNIT. He says its okay...and I know it will be. But what if he thinks im just not okay enough to move on...and I am. He might go and meet someone else to love..what if he does. Gawsh. Okay...yeah Im gonna die. I want to like...lay down...wake up a month and a half ago...restart everything...and tell the truth. But no I cant and now all I can do is lay down, fall asleep and just live in my dreams. Because thats the only place thats safe right now. And no...probably not. Those are poisoned too arent they. Mahn I suck.

My stratacaster should be arriving soon since my amp came.